Masturbation over having Sex?
- Lexi Nicole
- Jan 8, 2018
- 5 min read
Why does your partner choose masturbation? or, why do you? Instead of eachother?
I think this is a question that we've all asked ourselves at least once in our lifetime. I was in a very serious relationship with someone for three years exactly, we have been broken up now for about three years and this relationship was one of the best that I had ever had. Sadly as time had grown we had become more distant with each other and our relationship had ended. The Reason? We had mutually fallen out of love with each other and the sex had practically vanished. It took me a lot of time to heal for that first year, I was disappointed, and sex was something that hardly crossed my mind.
During that time, you could say that my sex life was 'non-existent'. I had a few one night stands and tried carrying on and being that bright and confident woman that every one loved, but it was just too much for me and too early. I decided to push myself unto the world even though I wasn't ready- and what happened next? Yet another serious relationship, worst idea ever! This new relationship was something I should have known to stay away from since the day I met this man. We broke up literally every day (just about), this relationship lasted roughly for a year and as you could imagine was quite exhausting and mentally draining. Let's not forget to mention that this wasn't the normal kind of relationship fighting either, this was much worse- This was the type of fighting where he would lie to me every night and cheat on me then look me straight in the eye and deny every minute of it. Above all things- to me- this is the WORST kind of lying!
Needless to say, this relationship ended on a bad note (as expected) and I was still in the same boat as I was before, alone and not sexually interested in anything or any one. I spent a good amount of time dwelling on the 'what could have been's' and found myself in a deep dark place that I had to get out of. I started practicing more positive self-care routines, including some positive affirmations I learned as a coping technique about four years ago, this always seem to do the trick for me. When I become existent in this type of realm and embodied with such negativity, life becomes dangerous for me. I lash out, withdraw myself, and close all of my open doors without even thinking twice. I was able to pull myself out of this slump but it took a good 3 months before I was able to positively express my sexuality and see positive change. A few months after my breakup, my sex drive ramped up and I began seeing the positive changes that I was working hard for each day- those affirmations and negative self-images were finally gone! I was horny level 10 and I felt like I had the old me back. I was able to meet a man who cured my blues and feed my natural curiosity of sexual exploration.
Since the last relationships, I am still hitting it off with this new guy and keep him around for when I could use an extra 'hand' (or dick). However, I noticed that these days he would rather masturbate alone? Was he not attracted to me anymore? Or was he just exploring his sexual side? I have been through so many mental and emotional rollercoasters for the last five years that this alone could easily break me apart (again), I had to find an answer. I truly cherish his presence and outlook towards life, I'm learning to take things much slower and focus on my ultimate happiness, but what about this solo-masturbation? Wouldn't he rather have sex with me instead of masturbate on his own? Surely, I couldn't be the only woman on this earth who had felt this way about their significant other- so I decided to do some digging of my own. Here are some of the things I came up with...
The most obvious.......YOU'RE SINGLE!!!
I’ve had a few female friends complain that their significant others masturbate – even though they are *gasp* in a serious relationship. The most often complaint was, “Why masturbate when he has me?” Occasionally I would get this complaint from my male friends too. I get that seeing or catching your significant other self-pleasuring when you’re ready and willing might feel like you’re being rejected, and rejection feels painful. When I was in my very serious relationship, we would masturbate separately (and together) as well. Occasionally I would notice him masturbating in bed when he thought I was asleep and feel a little hurt because he had said no to sex earlier in the night.
First of all, there seems to be an inaccurate belief in some people that we only masturbate because real sex isn’t available to us. Once real sex is available, then masturbation should stop. In fact, they can’t understand why anyone would choose masturbation over relationship sex.
There are many reasons why people might choose to masturbate over having sex. There is no one reason that will explain why people in relationships masturbate; however the reasoning that one must pick either masturbation or sex stems from an inaccurate belief about sex and masturbation. While the two aren’t the same thing, they can complementliment each other instead of taking away from the experience.
And the reasons are…
When my ex and I talked about why we would masturbate separately, the most common reason was because we wanted a quick release and we were lazy. Yep. Laziness trumps everything it would seem. But after a quick unofficial poll, here are some reasons why others do it:
It’s quick and easy.
So I can focus on myself, and not have to worry about the partner’s needs.
I can’t sleep.
I’m bored.
I had 5 minutes to spare.
Because I wanted to do it and I like it.
Because she was on her period.
Because my partner didn’t want sex.
Wife just gave birth.
Just want an orgasm, without fuss.
Partner is sick.
So I am satisfied when I’m away.
It’s fun.
So as you can see, the reasons are numerous, and there are many more that I didn’t list here. The thing is, masturbation is a solo act that lets you focus on yourself. Relationship sex, as its name suggest, requires the cooperation of someone else, and demands that you also focus on the other person as much as yourself.
Sometimes you just want to get off.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to get off by yourself. If your partner masturbates, this doesn’t mean that he/she doesn’t love you, isn’t attracted to you anymore, is cheating on you, etc. Stopping someone from self-pleasure because you falsely believe by doing this they will choose to have sex with you instead will only damage a relationship and cause the person to start hiding things from you. Also, just because you have banned masturbation doesn’t mean that the partner will now choose to have sex with you.
All sex doesn’t have to be a mind blowing, hours long affair. Sometimes people just want to quietly get off and go on with their day. If you do find that your partner masturbates without you, and that offends or scares you in some way, I would suggest to approach the situation with curiosity and a need to understand rather than taking the easy way out and banning it outright. Masturbation is not something to be feared!
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